Blocked

I’ve been sitting in the evenings with my laptop open and the best of intentions. However, I’ve not be able to put the letters to words, could not form the sentences. Writers block is something most people who write for fun or work often have. Times when there’s just a block. Maybe the ideas aren’t flowing freely, or the words just don’t come out right. That’s not the case with me. I’ve got lists of blog ideas, pictures waiting to put together with their explanations. For whatever reason there’s a deep seeded block that has been cast over.

After a phenomenal conference today on self care and self healing and taking care of yourself some of what is causing blinders started to somewhat expose itself.

One of the things I’m working through in my life is healing.  We all carry our baggage and if we can be mindful and honest we can unpack it and make more room for more beneficial experiences. When you think of trauma in the traditional sense I do not know that. My parents are married, both of them worked throughout my life, we lived comfortable. I was not exposed to violence, addiction or alcoholism.  That doesn’t mean that I. like anyone else, can say they made it through completely unscathed. Picking through the pieces and reasons why I do things that frustrate me most about myself means picking through pieces of 31 years of my life.  When it comes to healing and growing you have to crack everything that’s not working open and dissect it. It’s messy, and like I said to a friend earlier this week in terms of therapists and counselling, I have a growth mindset, I’m self aware, but I’m not there in my journey where I am ready to get really messy. To heal completely is to feel completely and I’m just not there yet. In a lot of ways I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. The way I see 31 years is not the same as the way my brother sees it, my uncle sees it, my mother sees it, my best friend sees it. We remember experiences from our own perspective. That’s why there’s variations to stories. We can all be in the same room at the same time and each person would take a different experience from it depending on where they are in their journey. That doesn’t make it right, it doesn’t make it wrong, but it’s something we have to maul over and accept. When we allow our ego to get out of the way and accept that someone sees something vastly different, that something burnt them when it was cooling your own soul, growth happens. Not everyone is there yet. and that’s ok.

I know that I don’t need to say yes to everyone anymore. I don’t have to stay in boxes that I no longer fit in to. I know that what someone thinks about me is NONE of my business. I know that someone responding negatively to my healing, growth and raw honesty says more about them then me. I know that it’s ok to set boundaries, but that is something I am still working on. The people pleasing, the unrealistic expectations I put on myself and the self limiting beliefs did not come over night and they will not be fixed as such either. Everything has its time and season.  I’m working through the surface, but the roots are twisted and deep. They intertwine through my soul and my spirit. Barbed with thorns that have protected my roses. Vines that have encased the better pieces of me waiting to bloom.  All of these pieces can be reflected on each relationship whether romantic or platonic I’ve been in. Bridges I’ve burned, ships I’ve sailed, hearts I’ve broke, and times I wouldn’t accept the heartbreak. All of these pieces are sharp and jagged but even as rocks on the shore edges can be rounded, softened and shaped. I’m working on that.

I can remember when I had my oldest and the late nights of crying in to the dark when those pieces that kept me safe and solid started to meld and mold. The things I thought were my armour were in fact not keeping me safe but holding me back. The unknown was scary and suffocating.  I wanted nurture and soft. I wanted attachment, I wanted to do things differently than I knew and a seed was planted. Here we are. Roots reach down in warm soils and it’s been a journey.

I’ve acknowledge the messy bits and I know it’s just about time to get my hands dirty but for the sake of those around me I think it’s something I’ll need to hash out on my own first. I do not blame, do not fault and do not point fingers.  But I do need to accept, own it and feel it to move forward. I’m thankful for the exceptional experience I had today surrounded by like minded women. Women that have been through the trenches and have trudged forward. It’s cracked open the shell of something I’ve been avoiding. Here at the tip of the chisel I’ve started to crush the block.

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